


Gudiya Raja

by LessAttitudeMoreAltitude



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: (it's a brief flashback), Angst, Electric Torture, Everyone else is in the background - Freeform, Ezra has complicated feelings about Jacen, Fix-It, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Oneshot, Post Star Wars Rebels, all Ezra's POV, circumstances for the sake of one scene, even Jacen, ignore plot inconsistencies, jedi night (derogatory), kanan lives deal with it, somehow Kanan has returned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:42:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29569098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LessAttitudeMoreAltitude/pseuds/LessAttitudeMoreAltitude
Summary: Ezra hears Kanan sing a familiar lullaby to Jacen
Relationships: Ezra Bridger & Kanan Jarrus, Kanan Jarrus & Jacen Syndulla
Comments: 14
Kudos: 62





	Gudiya Raja

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt from whump-galaxy on tumblr: The caretaker sings a lullaby to their child. Once their kid is asleep, they leave the room, only to find the whumpee was listening.
> 
> I saw this prompt on the anniversary of J*di N*ght, so I figured I'd post a short fix-it completely with some angsty hurt/comfort.
> 
> The title is a reference to a lullaby called Gudiya Rani from a 90s Indian romance movie called Lamhe. It translates to "My Doll Princess", but the song is about being alone and longing for your 'prince' to come. Gender aside, the themes suit Ezra - and to a certain extent, Jacen - very well, so I decided to roll with it. I'm imaging Mira singing a reversed version of this where he's a prince waiting for a princess to come sweep him away, because the Bridgers say kriff you to gender roles.
> 
> Shoutout to Kitepiper for not only brainstorming different lullabies with me, but for giving me advice on how to make Gudiya Rani more gender appropriate (namely Rani to Raja)

“ _KANAN!_ ”

The heat from the flames was overwhelming, and yet Ezra was just kneeling there in the ship, _frozen_. Hera was frozen too, suspended in mid-air as they both stared on at the dark silhouette wreathed in flames. 

It was a split moment. A realization that Ezra should _move_ , that he should run forward and help Kanan keep the flames back. Maybe then Kanan would have a _chance…!_

But then Hera was flung back into his arms, and all he could do was hold her tightly, because _she_ had no chance against the flames. No means of defense. And so they were both helpless as they looked on.

And with a sudden swell of the Force, the milky whites of Kanan’s eyes evaporated with the heat and his clear turquoise eyes were gazing back at them.

Ezra’s heart leapt into his throat as he realized that, _no_ … Kanan was gazing at _Hera_. Ezra’s breathing hitched as all at once he realized that this had been _his_ mission, his plan. If only he had done better, _if only they had never come back to Lothal…!_

And then the ship jerked violently as it was shoved away, the flames consuming his master, _his father_. And all Ezra could do was scream at Sabine to ' _Go!'_ as he continued to hold on tightly to a struggling Hera, the heat of the explosion turning cold…

... 

… cold yet burning _pain was_ igniting every nerve in his body as the electricity coarsed through him. Ezra couldn’t even scream, a rubber gag wedged into his mouth to keep him from clenching and shattering his teeth. Not that it would matter. The electricity forced his throat to stiffen and clench, so all he could let out were choked grunts. 

It stopped, allowing him to breathe and feel the full effects of the torture. His body sagged in the biddings as he let out shuddered pants through his nose. His body was weak and shaking, aching pain thrumming through every muscle. 

And then the electricity was turned back on.

Every now and then, the gag would be ripped out of his mouth, and they would once again demand: 

_Take us back!_

And it might take some time. Ezra had to muster up his strength, lick his lips, and find some room between his shuddering gasps to let out a soft…

 _No_.

And it would go on.

Ezra didn’t have the strength to tell him that he _couldn’t_. He couldn’t control the purrgil like that, he couldn’t just _summon_ them on a whim. And he didn’t even know where Thrawn's fleet had been marooned. Evidently, neither did the other Imperials.

He suspected it wouldn’t matter. They were angry - _furious_ \- that he had separated them from their friends and family, from their home. And they needed to take it out on someone. 

Ezra, for his part, had resigned himself to his fate. Even if Sabine and the others _were_ looking for him, he doubted he would survive until then. Besides… maybe this would mean he could see Kanan again.

That was, if Kanan’s cosmic spirit _wanted_ to see him again. 

* * *

It was with a sharp inhale that Ezra woke, his eyes flinging open. His entire body was tense and trembling, wrapped tightly around a bunched up blanket that he was clenching onto painfully. His heart was pounding in his ears, and it hurt to breathe. His eyes rapidly surveyed his dark surroundings, and it took several long seconds to realize he was on the _Ghost_. Curled up in the bunk above Kanan’s.

That’s right. They found him two months ago. They were back in the galaxy proper. The rescue and reunion had been like a dream. Mostly because the one to free Ezra from his restraints had been _Kanan_. In that moment, he was certain that he had finally died, and maybe this was Kanan forgiving him in the Force…

But if this was the Force, why was Kanan covered in old burn scars?

Turned out Kanan had _survived_ the fuel depot explosion. He had been found barely alive by Pryce and her cronies and taken into custody. He had been kept in a bacta tank on a cocktail of Force suppressants in a separate facility in the hopes that he’d live long enough to be interrogated.

Hera and the others had found him days after Ezra had taken Thrawn’s fleet into the Unknown Regions. 

Two years later, after _Ezra_ had been found, he had been so delirious with pain and grief, it took days for him to realize he was, in fact, not dead. And neither was Kanan. Although even now, he struggled to wrap his mind around it all. 

There were… so many changes. The whole crew hadn't been reunited for long. A convoy of Lasats wanted to find their way to Lira San, and that drove Zeb and Kallus’ attention away. _Something_ was happening on Mandalore. The Empire had suddenly doubled their efforts to overtake Mandalorian space. Sabine had to go back to help her other family defend their homeworlds. 

So that left Ezra with Kanan, Hera, Chopper… and Jacen. 

It was hard to say what was more shocking: the fact that Kanan was alive or that he and Hera had just had a _son_. Born just a couple months before they found Ezra. The emotions it evoked in Ezra were so strong and conflicting, that he had to force himself to not think about it. At all. Otherwise he was sure he would truly shatter.

It was… difficult for Ezra to venture too far away from Kanan. It was pathetic, but it was bad enough that Ezra had wound up sleeping in Kanan’s cabin. Kanan didn’t _seem_ to mind, but in Ezra’s mind, there was no other alternative. After believing that Kanan had been dead for over _two years_ , the thought of not being able to sense Kanan’s life Force in a moment’s notice would send him into a panic.

The only time Ezra strayed from his side was when he was with Jacen. He told himself it was to give Kanan privacy with his son, but it was really so Ezra didn’t have to watch or acknowledge what was happening. His emotions surrounding Jacen circled around the edges of his mind, flicking at the fractured edges, and Ezra had to draw himself in tightly in order to avoid them. 

Right now, in the wake of his nightmare, Ezra tentatively reached out. “K-Kanan…?” he whispered. 

Nothing. No verbal response, no warm hand on his shoulder or head, not even the sound of _breathing_ …

Ezra threw his blankets back and looked down at the bottom bunk. It was empty. His panicked panting quickened as he reached out further with the Force, searching and…!

He let out an explosive sigh of relief when he sensed Kanan’s presence. It wasn’t far, just across the hall… in Hera’s room. Hera wasn’t there though. She was working late with Alliance leadership. But Hera was not the only occupant of that cabin. 

Ezra slumped, his breathing shuddered, and his eyes burning. Kanan was with Jacen. His son. 

He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, pressing hard. He couldn’t avoid this forever. Someday, he was going to have to accept the truth. That he had almost gotten Kanan killed. That he had failed to sense that Kanan was _still alive_ , leaving him behind in Imperial custody. And in the last year… Hera and Kanan had had a child of their own.

It was stupid. It was _petty_. But bitter envy bit at his heels every time he imagined Hera and Kanan lovingly holding _their son_ while he had been subject to relentless torture and isolation under Thrawn’s care. They had _eventually_ found him but… 

And of course he knew that they loved him, he _knew_ that. And he knew they had used every resource they had to find him, but… he couldn’t help but linger on the fact that he wasn’t _theirs_. That he had screwed up _again_ , and now they were left dealing with his crap _again_. 

Jacen was innocent, defenseless, and so _bright_ in the Force. It was no wonder Kanan wanted to spend so much time with him. 

_He’s an infant, Kanan is his father,_ **_of course_ ** _he wants to spend a lot of time with him!_

Ezra’s eyes continued to burn, but his palms managed to keep the tears at bay. Which was good. Because he was being _ridiculous._ Sure, they were family, but he wasn’t their _son_. What more did he want from them? They had _saved_ him, they had temporarily abandoned the Rebellion - a mission Hera would have never abandoned lightly - and they were continuing to take care of him… Kanan was letting him sleep in his _cabin,_ helping him through so many night cycles filled with night terrors… 

What more did he want?

He let out a bitter sigh, annoyed with himself as finally let his arms drop. His heart was still pounding painfully in his chest, every inch of his body still trembling. Even this bit of distance between himself and Kanan was driving him insane. Internally, he promised himself that he wouldn’t disturb Kanan and Jacen. He would just… sit outside the door. Just for the proximity.

Jumping down quietly from the bunk, Ezra made sure his blanket was wrapped tightly around him. When he walked out into the hallway, he couldn’t help but shiver as the temperature noticeably dropped. Stars, he hated Hoth. Even in the hanger, inside of the _Ghost_ , the cold just leached in everywhere. 

Two steps forward, and he turned around to press his back to the wall besides Hera’s door. He slid down it and curled up, tucking his face into the thick, soft blanket. He was grateful for his overgrown hair, as it helped keep his body heat in.

Closing his eyes, he let himself drift a bit in the Force, just settling at the edge of Kanan’s Force presence and letting it slowly ease his panic. Minute by minute, his heartbeat began to calm and his trembling reduced to just a barely noticeable quiver. A quiver that has been a near constant in his life for months now.

It was only that this point that he realized he could hear _singing_. Ezra opened his eyes with a frown, trying to focus on the quiet melody. It took a moment for him to realize that it was _Kanan’s_ voice. He was singing to his son. 

But there was something else poking at Ezra as he listened. The few words he could hear weren’t Basic. They weren’t Ryl. And there was something _familiar_ about the cadence and the rhythm… 

Then Ezra’s eyes widened, his chest clenching as an old memory bubbled up to the surface.

_“What’s that?”_

_Ezra started slightly, stopping mid-word to look over and see Kanan standing in the doorway. “What’s what?” Ezra asked quietly, not wanting to wake Allora._

_“That song… I don’t recognize the language.”_

_Ezra’s cheeks burned slightly as he bit his lip. He had just been pacing the length of the common room, bouncing Allora gently as he sang under his breath. “It’s a, um… It’s Lothali,” he murmured, looking down at the human infant in his arms._

_Kanan slowly walked over to him. “I didn’t know Lothal had its own language.”_

_Ezra shrugged, sitting down on the bench and leaning back. His arms were starting to hurt. “I don’t really know it myself…” he admitted. “The Empire banned it. But when I was young, my parents would sing this to me. It’s all I know.”_

_Sitting beside him, Kanan wrapped an arm around Ezra’s shoulders and pulled him up against his side. “Can you teach it to me?”_

_Ezra blinked in surprise, looking up at Kanan. “Really? Why?”_

_Kanan had a half smile as he shrugged. “I don’t really know anything about Lothal. Especially not anything pre-Empire.” He gave Ezra a gentle shake. “I can help you keep Lothal alive.”_

Ezra’s breathing hitched, and this time he let the tears fall as his eyes burned. Kanan was singing _Gudiya Raja_. He was sharing _Ezra’s_ culture with Jacen.

He buried his face in the blanket as his crying turned into quiet sobs. How long has Kanan been singing this to Jacen? Ezra always left whenever it was Kanan's turn with Jacen, so he had no idea… But Kanan wouldn’t be singing this if he didn't think Lothali culture had some place in Jacen’s life. If he didn’t want some part of Ezra to be a part of Jacen.

… a part of his little brother. 

“Ezra?”

He gasped as he looked up, his heart skipping a beat when he saw that Kanan was kneeling right beside him. His eyes were slanted in worry as he gently placed a hand on the back of Ezra’s head. “Hey, what’s wrong?" he asked softly. "Did you have another nightmare?”

All Ezra could manage in response was another sob, burying his face back into the blanket. 

Kanan didn’t push. Instead he slowly moved to sit beside him. Ezra was quite a bit bigger than he had been back when they had saved Allora and Pipey, but Kanan still dwarfed him. He wasn’t tucked beneath Kanan’s arm, instead he was pulled up against his chest, his head tucked just underneath Kanan’s chin. His arm was wrapped around Ezra’s shoulders, and his hand was still on Ezra’s head as he slowly stroked Ezra's hair as he sobbed.

It took some time for Ezra to cry himself out, leaving him shuddering against Kanan’s collarbone. The skin of his face was stiff with tears, his face slightly swollen. “‘M sorry…” he breathed.

Kanan gave him a squeeze. “Ezra…” he lightly chided.

“N-No, I mean…” Ezra pulled back slightly, keeping his eyes averted. When he spoke again, his voice was gravelly and rough. “When I came back, and I saw that you and Hera had a son…” His voice drifted off, shame curdling in his stomach.

There was a long stretch of silence. Then Kanan shifted, leaning the side of his head to the top of Ezra’s. “Ezra, _no one_ could replace you.”

“I…” His throat was closing up. “I know…” he murmured.

“You’re _both_ my sons,” Kanan stressed. “And that’s never going to change.”

Ezra squeezed his eyes shut, a couple of fresh tears dripping down his face as he gave a small nod. 

Kanan gave him another squeeze and a gentle shake. “Want to try and go back to bed?”

With a sniff and a sigh, Ezra nodded as he wiped his face. Kanan got up first before turning to help Ezra up to his feet. He was a little wobbly after being curled up on the cold _Ghost_ floor for so long, but Kanan’s firm hands helped him find his footing. Once he was steady, Kanan reached over to open his cabin door.

Ezra bit his lip as he stared at Kanan’s back. “You remembered it,” he said quietly.

Kanan gave a slight frown. “Remembered what?”

“Gudiya Raja.”

Kanan gave a small smile in response. “Yeah… Jacen loves it. Always puts him right to sleep.”

Ezra gave a small breathy chuckle at that. It was so hard to express how much it meant to him, knowing that Kanan _had_ sung it for Jacen before. Many times. Instead, all Ezra could manage was a small smile. “Th-Thank you.”

Kanan leaned over, gently cradling Ezra’s head in his hands before pressing his lips to Ezra’s forehead. “Of course.”


End file.
